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Holding difficult conversations with employees is an inevitable part of leadership and management. While leaders may never feel comfortable delivering disappointing or sensitive news, the skill can be improved.
Don’t avoid hard conversations, said Mary Abbajay, President of Careerstone Group, an organizational and leadership development consulting firm. “I need to have difficult conversations all the time,” she said. “I don’t love them and I don’t look forward to them, but I’m good at them because I’ve learned how to do it.”
Ms. Abbajay defined a challenging conversation as one that you find difficult based on your vulnerabilities and experiences. These can range from negative performance reviews to workplace conflict to contract negotiations.
It’s human nature to postpone difficult conversations because we often fear rejection or hurting someone’s feelings. “While these fears may be valid, they’re not helpful or useful because these fears are about us and not about the other person’s actions,” Ms. Abbajay said.
It’s natural for people to respond to difficult news with defensiveness or dismay, she said. Leaders should expect this response and prepare in advance to ease the navigation of these conversations.
Difficult discussions can often be more pleasant if approached as valuable opportunities for growth, change and reflection. Steering these conversations requires emotional intelligence.
“The first thing you want to do is prepare. Get clear on what you want to accomplish,” Ms. Abbajay said. “Identify your story and gather the facts. You want to think about how you’ll invite the person to the meeting and the opening conversation.”
Prior to the meeting, leaders should consider specific details that they’ll provide, questions to help the recipient tell their side of the story, how the other person may react and what the outcome might entail.
Lead With Intent
The start of a potentially difficult conversation often influences how the meeting will play out. It’s important that leaders don’t stumble over their opening remarks or use aggressive language, Ms. Abbajay said.
She emphasized that a difficult conversation must have a positive intention behind it. “If it’s about providing feedback, it needs to be constructive and helpful to the other person,” Ms. Abbajay said. “If it’s about accountability, it should aim to strengthen the relationship or the agreement you had. The key to a successful difficult conversation is ensuring that you and the other person understand the positive intention behind it.”
Approach the conversation with an open, curious mind, share that the intention of the dialogue is success for the person and the company and welcome problem-solving methods, Ms. Abbajay said. Once the recipient of the news believes that the information is meant to provide meaningful help and guidance, they’ll be less defensive and more likely to participate in the conversation in a positive way.
Be Timely and Specific
Whether conveying constructive criticism or holding people accountable for their daily responsibilities, difficult conversations need to happen in a timely manner. “Nobody wants to be given difficult feedback for something that happened six months ago,” Ms. Abbajay said. “If you let things linger too long, they fester.”
She used the example of an annual performance review, noting that it’s not useful to bring up for the first time an action that took place months earlier. “It doesn’t feel good, and it’s not helpful,” Ms. Abbajay said.
Not only should the conversation be well-timed, but it should be concise. Ms. Abbajay mentioned an executive coach who likened difficult workplace conversations to a bowl of spaghetti. “You could throw the whole bowl at somebody or choose one strand of spaghetti,” she said.
Ms. Abbajay said leaders should be specific and quick with their points.
“The more time you dwell on how the conflict or issue happened, the more likely it is that both sides will dig into their perspectives,” she added. “To avoid this, quickly identify and name the situation, conflict behavior or failing, then shift the focus to the future. Ask questions like, ‘What are we going to do about this?’ or ‘How are we going to resolve this dispute?’ A forward-looking approach is one of the most effective strategies you can use.”
Anticipate Emotions
While it’s critical to have hard workplace conversations quickly to maintain relevance, Ms. Abbajay said it’s also important for leaders to first understand their own emotions.
“Take time to control your emotional state so that you have a better shot at conducting a difficult conversation that will have a positive result,” she said, adding that pausing to identify and understand feelings is not always comfortable. An aspect of what makes hard conversations so challenging, she said, is that each side’s vulnerabilities are often on full display.
“Ask yourself, ‘What feelings of theirs might I encounter and fear encountering? Do I fear them being angry or sad?’” Ms. Abbajay said.
She recalled giving a colleague direct negative feedback on a training event she’d facilitated. The conversation brought her colleague to tears. Feelings often emerge during difficult conversations, and even experienced leaders ignore them at their peril, Ms. Abbajay said.
“People want to feel seen,” she added. “You need to make sure that in difficult conversations, you’re seeing them as a human being.”
Move Forward
Unfortunately, practice is the only way to hone this skill. As someone who regularly has difficult conversations while coaching executives, Ms. Abbajay said while they don’t become more enjoyable, leaders can get good at them.
Success lies in following tried-and-true tips like remaining on point, confirming positive intention, letting strong emotions pass, keeping the conversation on course and acknowledging the other person’s point of view.
“Difficult conversations are difficult because we care about the other person or the relationship,” Ms. Abbajay said. “We must prepare for conversations when we want to preserve the relationship. If you take the time to think through how the conversations will unfold, they’re going to go much easier.”
Holding difficult conversations with employees is an inevitable part of leadership and management. While leaders may never feel comfortable delivering disappointing or sensitive news, the skill can be improved.
Don’t avoid hard conversations, said Mary Abbajay, President of Careerstone Group, an organizational and leadership development...
Holding difficult conversations with employees is an inevitable part of leadership and management. While leaders may never feel comfortable delivering disappointing or sensitive news, the skill can be improved.
Don’t avoid hard conversations, said Mary Abbajay, President of Careerstone Group, an organizational and leadership development consulting firm. “I need to have difficult conversations all the time,” she said. “I don’t love them and I don’t look forward to them, but I’m good at them because I’ve learned how to do it.”
Ms. Abbajay defined a challenging conversation as one that you find difficult based on your vulnerabilities and experiences. These can range from negative performance reviews to workplace conflict to contract negotiations.
It’s human nature to postpone difficult conversations because we often fear rejection or hurting someone’s feelings. “While these fears may be valid, they’re not helpful or useful because these fears are about us and not about the other person’s actions,” Ms. Abbajay said.
It’s natural for people to respond to difficult news with defensiveness or dismay, she said. Leaders should expect this response and prepare in advance to ease the navigation of these conversations.
Difficult discussions can often be more pleasant if approached as valuable opportunities for growth, change and reflection. Steering these conversations requires emotional intelligence.
“The first thing you want to do is prepare. Get clear on what you want to accomplish,” Ms. Abbajay said. “Identify your story and gather the facts. You want to think about how you’ll invite the person to the meeting and the opening conversation.”
Prior to the meeting, leaders should consider specific details that they’ll provide, questions to help the recipient tell their side of the story, how the other person may react and what the outcome might entail.
Lead With Intent
The start of a potentially difficult conversation often influences how the meeting will play out. It’s important that leaders don’t stumble over their opening remarks or use aggressive language, Ms. Abbajay said.
She emphasized that a difficult conversation must have a positive intention behind it. “If it’s about providing feedback, it needs to be constructive and helpful to the other person,” Ms. Abbajay said. “If it’s about accountability, it should aim to strengthen the relationship or the agreement you had. The key to a successful difficult conversation is ensuring that you and the other person understand the positive intention behind it.”
Approach the conversation with an open, curious mind, share that the intention of the dialogue is success for the person and the company and welcome problem-solving methods, Ms. Abbajay said. Once the recipient of the news believes that the information is meant to provide meaningful help and guidance, they’ll be less defensive and more likely to participate in the conversation in a positive way.
Be Timely and Specific
Whether conveying constructive criticism or holding people accountable for their daily responsibilities, difficult conversations need to happen in a timely manner. “Nobody wants to be given difficult feedback for something that happened six months ago,” Ms. Abbajay said. “If you let things linger too long, they fester.”
She used the example of an annual performance review, noting that it’s not useful to bring up for the first time an action that took place months earlier. “It doesn’t feel good, and it’s not helpful,” Ms. Abbajay said.
Not only should the conversation be well-timed, but it should be concise. Ms. Abbajay mentioned an executive coach who likened difficult workplace conversations to a bowl of spaghetti. “You could throw the whole bowl at somebody or choose one strand of spaghetti,” she said.
Ms. Abbajay said leaders should be specific and quick with their points.
“The more time you dwell on how the conflict or issue happened, the more likely it is that both sides will dig into their perspectives,” she added. “To avoid this, quickly identify and name the situation, conflict behavior or failing, then shift the focus to the future. Ask questions like, ‘What are we going to do about this?’ or ‘How are we going to resolve this dispute?’ A forward-looking approach is one of the most effective strategies you can use.”
Anticipate Emotions
While it’s critical to have hard workplace conversations quickly to maintain relevance, Ms. Abbajay said it’s also important for leaders to first understand their own emotions.
“Take time to control your emotional state so that you have a better shot at conducting a difficult conversation that will have a positive result,” she said, adding that pausing to identify and understand feelings is not always comfortable. An aspect of what makes hard conversations so challenging, she said, is that each side’s vulnerabilities are often on full display.
“Ask yourself, ‘What feelings of theirs might I encounter and fear encountering? Do I fear them being angry or sad?’” Ms. Abbajay said.
She recalled giving a colleague direct negative feedback on a training event she’d facilitated. The conversation brought her colleague to tears. Feelings often emerge during difficult conversations, and even experienced leaders ignore them at their peril, Ms. Abbajay said.
“People want to feel seen,” she added. “You need to make sure that in difficult conversations, you’re seeing them as a human being.”
Move Forward
Unfortunately, practice is the only way to hone this skill. As someone who regularly has difficult conversations while coaching executives, Ms. Abbajay said while they don’t become more enjoyable, leaders can get good at them.
Success lies in following tried-and-true tips like remaining on point, confirming positive intention, letting strong emotions pass, keeping the conversation on course and acknowledging the other person’s point of view.
“Difficult conversations are difficult because we care about the other person or the relationship,” Ms. Abbajay said. “We must prepare for conversations when we want to preserve the relationship. If you take the time to think through how the conversations will unfold, they’re going to go much easier.”
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Patrick McGuire is an ORTHOWORLD Contributor.
